"That" Mom

I worked yesterday. I'm having another fucking period. This means I was tired and grouchy and bitchy today. I only work 3-4 days/month so when I do have to work, it's quite a process. I rarely ever go to bed before at least midnight. So getting up at 0430 really makes my life a living fucking hell when I do have to work. I do not ever have an issue with sleeping. I just like to spend some time to myself before I go to bed at night. It's my way of unwinding from the day, if you will. I know. I'm more or less a stay-at-home-mom. What unwinding could I possibly need? Ha!! Have you ever spent an entire day with three small children? All of them screaming at you at the same time for one thing or another? Melt downs, tripping over toys, them smacking each other, them screaming at each other, them throwing their toys, food, etc.? It may not be physically draining all the time but it's damn sure mentally and emotionally draining ALL the time!! You have to watch what you say, what you do, what look you give them, what look you don't give them. I'm raising the next generation here! I don't want them to turn out as fucked up as me! With that in mind, I may just start saving for their therapy now!
Today sucked big, fat, hairy, sweat stained balls. I wish I had a do over but I don't. Tomorrow HAS to be better! Tomorrow I HAVE to be a better person, a better mom. I HAVE to be more attentive. I HAVE to stop using the excuse that "I'm busy" for the reason that I can't drop the fucking eggs at that very second to look at the same picture of the scribbled....whatever the hell it is....that I have saw 6 times in the last half hour. I HAVE to stop being a bitch when my son starts bossing the other two around because I get so sick of him doing that! Only to realize, he's doing the same thing that I do to him every.single.day.
I lost my shit too many times today. So much so that I gave myself a headache. I was pissed when they sprayed each other with the hose after being told not to 5 times, leaving huge puddles in our $480 hydroseed potentially killing the up and coming grass. I was pissed when they tracked mud all over the downstairs AFTER I told them to undress in the garage and put their muddy clothes in the utility sink. I was pissed when they drug out every damn Lego they own and scattered them all over the upstairs living room. I was pissed when they wouldn't pick up the toys, when they acted like circus monkeys while we were eating dinner, when they almost flooded the damn bathroom because they were playing with the new stack of Dixie cups for rinsing after brushing thus ruining about 10 of them, when they didn't put away their outside toys and I almost ran over a tricycle, when they wouldn't get ready for t-ball like I asked 6 times thereby making us 20 minutes late, when they wouldn't get ready for bed, when they wouldn't stay in said bed, when I had to take a hand full of ibuprofen for the headache that I blamed solely on them but was also caused by lack of sleep, dehydration and probably too much coffee.
I love my kids but I'm going to have to start leaving them with a sitter more often and pick up more shifts. We don't need the money. I just need my sanity. I don't want to go on play dates. I don't want to go to a friends' house. I don't want friends to come to my house. I want a day where I don't have to listen to them fighting and arguing and me having to holler at them to get their attention. I swear they do not hear me unless I'm screaming like some fucking banshee. I can't take it anymore. I can't take being "that" mom. For now, I'll distance myself from them and them from me. Maybe one day I'll more appreciate having spent all this time with them while they were little. But maybe, just maybe one day, they'll appreciate me having done all the things that I do. Because right now, I feel like the only fucking reason I'm here is to please everyone else that lives in this house. Fuck what I want. Fuck how I feel. I'm totally overwhelmed and I just can't take it anymore.