So it's been a really long time since I've wrote anything on here. Yes! I am still alive! Thanks for asking! LOL The last post was a direct bitch/rant/rave fest about a misunderstanding that I'm still pissed off about. Whatever....moving on.
I'd like to be a bit more candid on here than I am on my page. On the page, it's all for laughs. I post random shit. Everyone giggles. Everyone goes on about their day. This? This here was suppose to be my outlet. My "get away" page. I have friends and family that look at this from time to time I'm sure so I've been pretty tame thus far. I've decided that I don't really give a fuck anymore what they like or see or read or could care less about. This is MY page and it's going to be about ME. Selfish enough for ya?? You know, I don't really fucking care!
I just spent the last hour reading through a fellow bloggers blog. She has fought her way through severe...let me say it again just in case....SEVERE child abuse, alcoholism (twice), an all around neighborhood full of asswads and yet she has prevailed! She's sober! She and her ex-husband are doing well to raise their daughters the best they can. She's an inspiration to many, including myself. In her attitude and charisma that is. I don't feel that I was severely abused as a child. My mother went way over the top on many occasions but nothing that almost killed me such as Sam that I mentioned above. Alcoholism?? It ran in my family. My father, grandfather, a couple uncles, a sister. Myself? I don't feel that I have a problem. Although, they say denial is the first step to overcome. I definitely use to have a problem. When you go out with friends to "get so drunk that you puke", that's a problem. When you purposely wear your hair back in a baseball cap so as not to worry about puke flying in your hair later, that's a problem. When you want to get drunk so drunk that you forget who you are because your mom is an a-one fucking bitch, that's a problem. I don't mean she's a bitch because she won't let you go stay at your friends house. I don't mean bitch because of all the "normal" shit kids get in trouble for. If you have read my previous blogs, you know why I say bitch. I don't really want to delve into right now though.
I do however have a secret to tell you. I have a super power. I have TREMENDOUS will power and I'm stubborn as shit!. If I don't want to do something, I don't. If I don't want to continue to do something, I stop. I know this does NOT work for everyone and I'm not making fun of anyone. I'm just saying, it works for me. When I wanted to stop smoking, I stopped. Cold turkey. I have had one drag off a cigarette in the past 11 years and it was disgusting!!! I can honestly say, I will not ever smoke again. I don't crave it. I don't want it. In fact if I smell someone that has just smoked or smell cigarette smoke, I almost gag.
Alcohol?? I don't want to quit drinking. I like the taste of some alcohol. I like the calming effect that it gives me. If I want a beer, I have a beer. If I want one glass of wine, I have one glass of wine. If I don't want to drink, I don't drink. There are so many in my family that can not and will not ever be able to say the same thing. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. It makes me want to grab them and shake them until it either knocks some sense into their drunk brain or it knocks them unconscious and they can not guzzle down that last beer they've been hiding in the back of the fridge.
Recently The Hubs decided that he was fast approaching a drinking problem. His father was a drunk and a druggie. He's afraid he will be the same. He isn't one to be able to drink just one beer. If he has a six pack, he drinks the whole thing. If he has a 12 pack, he drinks the whole thing. His father was the same way. The difference being is his father was also an asshole. The Hubs was never an asshole when he was drinking. He has never abandoned us (his family) to go drinking all weekend, week, etc. with his buddies. He has never drank his paycheck away and told his kids that there was no money for food. I've never had to scrounge for ANYTHING and/or EVERYTHING just to feed my children as his mom did when he was little. I've never had to steal nips out of his stash of weed to turn around and sell to his friends as his mom did so that our children didn't go hungry. But if he tells me that he's afraid that he's developing a drinking problem, I will support him. Because I love him. Because I don't want him to be his dad or my dad or my grandfather or my uncle or my sister. I don't want our kids to grow up with that shit either. The embarrassment of your dad so drunk that he can't hold up his own head. The embarrassment of your dad being so drunk that even if you could talk in tongues, you still couldn't understand him. The shear joy of listening to your mother rant and rave about the drunk fucking asshole in the bedroom that won't stop fucking snoring. The shear joy of said mother kicking a fucking hole in the shitty, cheap trailer house bedroom door when she'd had enough. It all sounds so glamorous! And that folks is why I wait for everyone to go to bed before I bust out the wine! It saves face. And really, it just saves lives!
